This post took me a while to build up the courage to write, but thanks to all of you I showed myself that I can overcome my anxiety. This summer I stood in front of a group of you in Bonnyville Alberta and was finally able to start opening up about my struggles. More importantly, I got to express just how much The Rolling Barrage and all of the amazing people I’ve gotten to meet and the courageous stories I have gotten to hear have impacted my life. I will hold that moment near to my heart for the rest of my life.
After I got treated for PTSD and was left feeling like a stranger in my own body I knew that I could either let it take away my sense of self completely or I could use it to build a new sense of self and make a positive impact out of an unfortunate situation.
Over the last few years I still have never really felt like I had a sense of self or knew who I was. Every now and then I would notice old traits that used to make up who I was and I would feel a bit of hope but I still did not feel like I had a purpose. There are many things in life that make me happy but without knowing I am making a positive impact on others I am missing that sense of purpose and a feeling of self.
PTSD took away so many of my valued traits like my patience, sensitivity and my abilities to not let things get to me, I was almost never an angry person until I had PTSD. Throughout my life so many people would tell me I was just like my dad and nothing made me more proud to hear. As PTSD took these traits away from me I felt like I was losing my relationship with my dad and I had no control over it, I felt like I had no control over myself at all.
I have been feeling better, doing more and feeling more in control of my emotions but I still haven’t felt a sense of self. I never thought that so much would have sparked from an idea I thought of to raise a bit of money for TRB and contribute something meaningful to express my
gratitude but nothing can describe the emotions I felt throughout the entire process.
While completing the art piece I expected to bring it in when I came to meet up with everyone on the ride and have it given to the winner to have as a thank you from me. When I was asked for a small write-up about it I was happy to say a little bit about how I wanted to contribute more to TRB and also wanted to use it as an opportunity to describe the gratitude and thanks behind the piece. It was a bit hard to find the right words but I was so happy to be able to thank so many of you for your service.
When I was asked to speak in front of everyone in Bonnyville, in my head I was like dear gosh no I can’t do that but there I was saying yes absolutely! That turned out to be a truly life-changing experience. After I wasn’t able to pull myself together to go up the first time I was introduced, I didn’t think that I was going to make it up there. When I heard the confidence and support in Warren and Scott’s voices, once I turned around and saw everyone there I began to reconsider but then I looked at my dad I knew I had to do it. That was my moment to try to make a positive out of my situation and overcome my lasting anxiety that still has such an impact on my life.
Once I got the mic in my hand I knew it was happening and I just started talking, despite the speech I had prepared in my hand I just went for it and as soon as I finished I finally felt my sense of self I lost three years ago. I still have a lot of struggles to overcome but since that moment I
feel like I know who I am and I know that I have my purpose.
I have gotten to hear so many people share their stories and experiences with PTSD and they all had such a big impact on me so I decided it might be time to share my story in hopes that may help others going through something similar or something they can relate to.
I ended up getting PTSD early in my degree. That to me wasn’t the hardest part. My dad always blamed himself for my mental health struggles and thought that he was the reason I got PTSD which couldn’t have been further from the truth. Our family had been through a lot throughout the last few years, I have always been a more reserved person because I was almost always calm, collected and patient so naturally I brushed off most things or so I had thought.
I didn’t realize what was happening, I had just transferred universities and was very happy with my choice. I have always given my degree my all but for some reason it just got really hard. I didn’t want to do anything, instead of seeing my friends every weekend, I saw them maybe monthly. I would force myself to do some of my hobbies but I just ended up hating them so I just let go of the rest of my hobbies hoping I’d go back to them when I was ready. I did not enjoy doing anything anymore. As time went on I kept getting more and more flustered, I went from not being able to remember my school material to not remembering where I was going or what I was going to get when driving into town.
Finally one day when I was driving I knew I was going to get something specific and that was the only reason I had gone into town but I could not remember where I was going or what I was supposed to get. I tried really hard to remember but just ended up getting very upset and flustered because I could not remember where I was supposed to be going. That was the day I finally broke down, I pulled over into a random parking lot, I found the nearest psychology clinic on my phone and followed the map there.
When I went inside a wave of panic set in because I didn’t know what to do and I felt overwhelmed. I asked the receptionist if I could make an appointment because I needed help and that was when I completely broke down. She was very patient and I still appreciate that. When I went back to my car I called my best friend who was one of the few people who knew what was going on with my situation to tell him what I had done and he said it will be good and you will feel better.
The next thing that went through my mind is how hard it was for my dad to go through his experiences with PTSD. The thing that gets me through the challenging things in my life isn’t just my own strength and perseverance, it is the strength and courage that I get from my dad and all of the courageous people I have gotten the honour of meeting on The Rolling Barrage and friends
of my dad that I grew up surrounded by.
Not long after I went to my first appointment and I was treated for PTSD quite quickly after that. After getting told that I had PTSD my first thought was that I needed to be honest with my friends and family so I told my immediate family and I told my close friends. My dad felt really terrible when I told him because he felt responsible for what I was going through which deeply upset me but I assured him that he was not the cause at all.
After going through my treatment I was doing much better, I was able to concentrate and wasn’t as easily frustrated but one thing that was an issue was my anxiety. I could not go to stores or busy public places, even to hangout with my friends without feeling super anxious and needing to leave. I would get restless, my hands would often shake and my heart would race. Over time it has been getting better.
I still have off days sometimes where I am more anxious but much less frequently. It’s been hard to adjust to the changes in myself I’ve experienced since having PTSD but getting to make a positive out of the struggles I went through has been helping me reconnect with who I was.
There are many things that I learned from my experiences with PTSD and as hard as it was to go through, I do not see it as a burden or something that ruined me. I see it as something that has helped me and is going to continue to help me understand and support others going through similar situations as I work toward my future career.
Most importantly I knew I had to find a way to make a positive out of my experiences so that I could help end the idea that PTSD is something to be ashamed or embarrassed of. My dad only told our immediate family that he had been diagnosed with PTSD, he always told us to never let
anyone know that he was being taken over by emotions and he seemed ashamed.
I have always told him that PTSD is much too common for how badly it impacts people and, as a veteran who has been through so many terrible things, he should never feel bad for experiencing trauma from that.
I knew that after getting PTSD I had to set an example for him. Put my words into action and show him that there was nothing to be embarrassed by. At first, this was something I had to overcome as it was hard to talk to people in general, never mind something so hard to explain but as time went on whenever someone asked me about my PTSD or I could tell someone was struggling, I used it as an opportunity to share my experiences and spread awareness that PTSD can affect anyone and nobody should feel the need to isolate themselves because of it.
Over the last few years I’ve heard many people on the ride share some of their stories and experiences with PTSD and every one of them inspired me. Each day when I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed or I was trying not to have a panic attack on the bus on the way to my exam there were only two things that would keep me moving forward. Thinking about all of you and how much our first responders and members of TRB have been through and overcome and thinking about giving my dad an acceptance letter to grad school so that I am able to continue working towards being able to help others overcome their challenges with PTSD just like someone did for my dad when he needed it.
For anyone who has or is still struggling or experiencing PTSD or who has loved ones overcoming PTSD, just know you are never alone. To anyone who served as a first responder and made such honourable sacrifices for our country, I thank you for your service.
To anyone who feels like their sacrifices have gone unnoticed or forgotten, know that I am grateful and think about them every day. I plan to do what I can to spread awareness of the impacts of PTSD and help others from suffering in silence.
From the Daughter of a Veteran
Jessica Wolfrey